Would bet your retirement that Cletus and Jolene will make good on their new mortgage? Coming soon: maybe you already did.

Seriously, this article tries to tie it together all the ducks you need to have in a row in order to achieve weight loss. I’ll warn you straight-up: this article has two major problems 1) it’s a work in progress and pretty rough; 2) It tells the truth. Here’s an ugly example: if you’re fat and over age 35 you pretty much have to exercise 6 hours per week if you want to get your weight down to ideal. You read that right. One hour a day, 6 days a week and that’s a minimum. It’s also one bleak, ugly truth that might end up easier to achieve than you think, but let’s save that for later as we revisit the issue of WTF one hour per day is she yanking my chain or what ??!1? Stop reading now unless you be made of stuff sterner than steel. Yet if you are woman/ man (shall we say adult?) enough to face the desolate realities, then read on, and all obstacles shall fall before you.

Here’s the reason for the hour of exercise: it’s all about survival. Your body is designed to survive. Specifically, to survive as a hunter/gatherer on the plains of Africa. You exercise, the body thinks it’s springtime on the Savannah and tries to keep you lean & strong, so you can gather plants and run after/from wild game and survive. If you don’t exercise, your body thinks it’s famine time and (1) gives you the munchies so you’ll be motivated to scrounge food; (2) makes you a little depressed so you don’t go wasting energy; and, (3) packs on every bit fat it can because famine isn’t just a one day thing and your body (bless its heart) is doing that grasshopper/ant thing and planning for a long winter. In other words, when you don’t exercise your body tries to keep you fat and depressed. So you can survive.

Why one hour? Well imagine you had to catch and/or scavenge all your meals. Do you think that might take you an hour? Well, I think it would take longer so do your hour six days a week and be happy it isn’t longer or I’ll remember that if you eat seven days a week you ought to be exercising seven days a week too. But seriously, an hour is easy. Get a reclining exercise bike and read on knit or watch TV or some combination. Another cool exercise is Dance Dance Revolution II on the Wii. An hour will go by before you know it.

 
Now that we’ve covered exercise, allow me to ruin you life in the area of food. You know the lions and apes you see in Africa, harvesting grain, enjoying baked goods and getting fat? Yeah, neither do I. Animals don’t eat white sugar, bread, pasta, donuts and all those carby goodies and humans aren’t meant to either. To get un-fat you need to eat a species-appropriate diet. Yeah, yeah we all know people who can eat are that junk food and never gain a pound, but you aren’t one of them, are you? Such people are technically known as freaks and they serve the important evolutionary purpose of encouraging migration away from their smug selves. We shall do the next best thing and ignore them. We must the eat human food we were designed to eat. Human food is food that existed 10,000 years ago. Meat, veggies, non-sweet fruit, yes. Flour, sugar, fruit cultivated for sweetness (i.e. most fruit except berries), no. Grilled meat, yes. Fried stuff, no. Beer, wine and spirits, strangely, yes. Diet sodas, no.

Most Americans don’t limit themselves to human food. We eat carbs that spike our blood sugar, which spikes our insulin, which puts our bodies in fat-accumulation mode. We also eat Frankenfoods that don’t exist in nature, such as high-fructose corn syrup and artificial sweeteners. Our bodies don’t recognize that stuff as food. Our bodies take it in and say, “WTF is this? Is she eating rocks again? Oh boy, it must be famine time. Let’s trot out the old fat depressed/routine. And as for this de-oxy-methy-whatsit she just ate, I don’t know what to do with it…. Oh, wait! I’ll pack it on as fat.”

And thus has our generously-proportioned collective buttocks become a source of simple amusement for people around the world.
 

Personally, I’d like to have a little chat with my body about the modern facts of life and then treat it to a rum raisin pizza with a side of delicious chemicals which it would obediently convert into silken hair and a catwoman physique, but my body doesn’t listen. Did you know humans branched off from other apes 4 million years ago? Our bodies refuse to go against 4 million+ years of tradition. Any day now a benevolent pharmaceutical company will invent a pill to sort this all out and let me maintain a Wonder Woman figure on the bonbons-in-bed-lifestyle I so deserve. But in the meantime all we’ve got is this species-appropriate exercise and diet Malarkey.

More bad news, but this’ll be nothing now that I’ve softened you up. You need to get a blood glucose meter and test strips. At least I can tell you how to get a free one shipped to you. Lifescan 888 887 6303. It’s top ranked by Consumer Reports, but the strips are expensive. For cheap strips, I think the best meter Walmart’s $9 house brand.

Well, here’s where my jaunty narrative ends and the Infodump begins. It’s good info. If you like it, check back occasionally; I’ll be adding links, details, etc.
 
1)    Goals
a)    83 fasting blood glucose waking glucose readings over 83 are associated with higher all-cause mortality rates
b)    Glucose under 95 at all times
c)     Youthful body composition (ie. not fat)
2)    Hormones
a)    Remember back in your youth when the Tooth Fairy disappeared to be replaced by the Pimple Fairy? Well, raging hormones are back again, only fatter. I wanted to separate them info good hormones and bad ones, like Transformers and Deceptions, but I can’t. Our hormonal cast of characters are complex, more like X-Men or the Hellboy crew, each has the potential for good and evil. We must have balance. Yore probably want to have your thyroid and sex hormones checked. Here’s some info, but you need a doctor’s guidance. Get a doctor’s help
b)    Info:
i)       These stimulate fat accumulation
(1)  cortisol
(2)  insulin
ii)     Anti-fat
(1)  Growth hormone
(2)  Estrogen (except if you’re fat it’s probably too high already)
(3)  Testosterone
(4)  thyroid (ironically, a calorie diet can cause a deficiency)
c)     Practices

i)       Meditation to lower stress & cortisol

3)    Improve insulin/glucose levels

a)    Reduce carbs intake limit oneself to 6 grams on carbs at breakfast, 12 at lunch and dinner

i)       Precose

ii)     white kidney bean extract 1000 mg before each meal

iii)    Fiber dissolved in water every meal especially beta glucans

iv)   take a metformin with each meal

v)     Test glucose before and then one hour and two hours after each meal. Ideally, there should be no rise in glucose with your meal. (Once you have a list of meals you know are good for you, you won’t have to test so much.) If your glucose rises, use exercise to bring it down. High glucose=high insulin=you’re packing on the pounds.

b)    Restore Insulin Sensitivity

i)       Practices

(1)  Vigorous Exercise

(2)  Calorie Reduction

(a)  under 1500 calories but day, but note that calorie reduction can cause thyroid deficiency which will slow down weight loss

ii)     Supplements

(1)  Magnesium

(2)  Irvingia gabonensis

(3)  Chromium

(4)  Cocoa

(5)  Quercitron

(6)  Resveratrol

(7)  Fish oil

(8)  Alli

(9)  Met-formin

(a)  850 breakfast, lunch

(b)  long-acting at bedtime

4)    exercise

a)    hour minimum 6 days per week

b)    morning is best

i)       burn off overnight glucose rise if you suffer from the Dawn Phenomenon

ii)     You let your body know right away that it’s spring and you don’t have to stuff your face

5)    Fix up brain chemical balance

a)    Low serotonin can cause carb bingeing

i)       Tryptophan might help

ii)     750 mg twice daily on 500 mg before breakfast lunch, dinner

6)    Improve resting metabolic rate

a)    exercise in morning-raises metabolic rate for several hours

b)    increase muscle mass

c)     green tea -6 glasses per day. Decaff probably okay

d)    thermo genesis capsaicin, ginger, fish oil

7)    Restore satiety signaling 

a)    take Irvingia gabonensis, it helps undo leptin resistance

8)    Reduce CRP/inflammation

a)    Alli (Orlistat, Xenical) lowers CRP

b)    Exercise

c)     Avoid foods exposed to high temperatures like potato chips

d)    Omega 3, Vitamin D, Vitamin K, Vitamins C & E together, Resvertrol, Quercetin, cocoa, turmeric

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Here’s a screen shot showing that Twitch made it to the upcoming page! He’s so proud!!!!

He's giving them away!

Nokia is a Finnish company. Now, no one expects Finnland to do any of the heavy lifting when it comes to advancing the cause of freedom around the world. That’s the job of the U.S. It’s our role to do it imperfectly, being human and all, and the job of Europe to sit around in the peace and safety purchased with American blood and criticize us. And yet, in all candidness, WTF? According to the Times article, people  have been arrested and sent to prison for the crime of working toward freedom thanks to Nokia and Siemens. Siemens is a German company. I’d have thought that if any country in Europe would feel an obligation to act morally in their dealings with other countries it would be modern-day Germany.

Here are some addresses in case you’d like to make your feelings on this matter known.

Finland Consulate , United States
100 East Main Street, Suite 300
PO Box 3729
Norfolk Virginia 23510
Phone:  757-6276286
Fax: 757-6273948
Email: david.host@tparkerhost.com

Embassy of the Federal Republic of Germany
4645 Reservoir Road NW
Washington, DC  20007-1998
Phone (202) 298-4000
contact webpage: http://www.germany.info/Vertretung/usa/en/Kontakt,verteilerId=2022574.html

Nokia Chairman Jorma Ollila
Nokia Americas
6000 Connection Drive
Irving, Texas 75039

Siemens Chairman Gerhard Cromme
c/o Siemens West Coast Office
1700 Technology Drive
San Jose, CA 95110

mace

….is a toy! Yes, a toy named Hell’s Inferno. The package features a photograph of a boy holding a stick to which is attached a wire to which is attached something that is forming cool light trails against the black background. Behind him we see a terrified girl hiding.

The instructions guide the parents through the pre-fun preparatory process of taking the little cotton thingy at the end of the wire and SETTING IT ON FIRE.  That’s right, SETTING IT ON FIRE!!! (Did I mention I’m a lawyer? This toy … I felt like I was dreaming. And the manufacturer actually NAMED it Hell’s Inferno. Pinch me!)

BTW, the package warns that the little flaming cotton mace is a choking hazard. Nice of the manufacturers to be concerned, but I think they have a bit of a blind spot with regard to one other danger, that danger being that the thing is ON FIRE!　あいろに!　That spells irony.

Only one Hell’s Inferno toy remained on the shelf. The rest, presumably, are sold out. Not to worry anyone. I should have taken a picture. Now I’ve lost my chance, because I marched that solitary harbinger of destruction right up to the counter, shook it at the deeply giving-a-darn clerk, and told her not to stock the things any more.  Okay, so I can’t go back and get a picture, but I saved a life and thousand of dollars in property damage today! Or at the very least I save some other customer from wasting $1.50. Either way, me good.

Okay, time to get some beauty sleep so I can wake refreshed and ready for another day of serving humanity! Good night everyone.

The Southern California sky was its usual faded blue and a slight breeze kicked up a little dust as Faber worked. A twitchy Calico cat jumped at a shadow and two tuxedoed males, heedless of their formal attire, started wrestling and chasing each other in the morning sun.

Brian came out of the main house carrying a couple mugs and stood watching Faber work for a few minutes.

When Faber paused and put his nail gun down, Brian leaned over and put his hand on his shoulder, giving him a mug with the other hand. Faber looked up and smiled.

“I saw another one,” Brian said as he sat down on the picnic table. Faber raised an eyebrow and Brian nodded toward the cat batting nails around on a nearby picnic table. “I was sitting on the verandah and saw a tabby come sailing up over the front fence.”

Faber took a sip from his mug and Brian continued. “It didn’t faze him a bit. He licked his shoulder for a minute, as if to say, ‘I meant to do that’ and then he made a beeline for one of the food dishes as if he knew it was there all along.”

“You have a great way of putting things. That must be the actor in you.” Brian flashed his 100-watt smile. “Is the new cat in isolation?” The sanctuary always quarantined new arrivals and tested them for infectious diseases before letting them roam the sanctuary freely. Cats who tested positive for feline AIDS would always be capable of spreading that disease, so they were grouped in a fenced area away from other animals.

“Of course.”  Brian was watching Faber. Brian couldn’t decide whether to be angry at the callousness of the human who dumped the cat, or amused at the cat’s aplomb. He was waiting for Faber’s reaction.

Faber took a long sip from his mug. “Is this water with cucumbers?”

“And lemon.”

“It’s really good.“ Faber put the mug down. “We should set up some sort of opening in the gate so people don’t have to throw. I wouldn’t want someone to throw a kitten like that… Like a mail slot, the large kind, large enough for small parcels.”

Brian nearly laughed. Typical Faber. It didn’t even occur to him to waste energy on the faceless clod who dumped the cat. He also liked the way Faber said “we.”

“I’m going into town today.” The nearest home center was twenty miles from the sanctuary. “Want me to pick up a mail slot for the front gate?”

“You’re awesome. Thanks.”

What is important in fiction: 1) Exciting 2) Redemption 3) Independence) Self Reliance 4) Freedom 5) Portray Evil as Bad 6) Good wins in the end 7) Mistakes can be made right 8) One can change for the better 9) Emotional & physical courage 10) a single act can redeem you

Fact: Hybrids exist. Two animals of certain closely-related species can produce viable young. A male donkey and a female horse create a mule, an animal smarter, stronger and hardier than either parent.  A male lion and a female tiger create a liger, an hybrid much larger than any big cat. The Siberian Tiger is the world’s largest cat and the largest Siberian tiger ever measured weighed 700 pounds. A liger weighs 1000 pounds. Its lifespan exceeds that of  a tiger or a lion, a testament to its hybrid vigor and health.

Fact: Domestication is a process that makes useful to humans but away their ability to thrive without human technology. Domestication also comes as a bundle of genetic changes, including tameness, a need for affection that persists past childhood, a lifelong need for play, increased capacity to live in close proximity to others of their species, and  diminished brain size.  

Only one species of primate has been domesticated. It has a brain size 7% smaller that of its wild ancester. Species members crave affection throughout life, thrive in concentrated populations and indulge in non-survival related activity throughout life, that is, they play. They are unable to survive without human technology and in all regions they inhabit they use available materials to supplement their sparse natural fur. This primate species’ closest relatives are two varieties of chimpanzee, pan paniscus and pan troglodytes. The domesticated primate is homo sapiens.

Analysis: A human-chimpanzee is theoretically possible. Such a being could be stronger and more intelligent than any human. Since 98 percent of a human emotions and decisions are instinctive, a hybrid could possess perspectives and analytical powers unimagined by full humans. Such hybrids could be a great advantage to any government sponsoring such a breeding program.  It is possible that such a clandestine program might be created in the future.

Conjecture: Such a program has been in existence for thirty years.

He fumbled at the back door, trying to open it with his left hand while retrieving his laboratory keys with his right. It was no good. Adrenaline still prevented him from feeling pain, but the tendons in his left wrist were severed. Mechanically, the hand could not grasp the doorknob.

Now the blood on Ubel’s right hand had turned sticky, making it hard for him to reach into his pocket. He leaned his head against the door. Tears of frustration and fear sprang into his eyes, and he had a fleeting wish for his mother. Then he marshalled his forces, hooked his right thumb through his key ring, opened the door with his right hand, and stumbled into the sickly-sweet spring air.

He ran across the deserted street, through the open door to the lab building,  through the sterile, white hallway with its creamy enamel and chrome, past the hallways leading to less well-decorated experiment rooms. He’d been so happy with the latitude he was allowed with his subjects, so proud of the variety of experiments he conducted. Not happy and proud today. Today Allied soldiers were at the gate and the surrender of the

Konzentrationlager had been negotiated. Today he realized that  none of his experiments had any merit. Today he realized everything he had done would look like torture and murder to the Americans. He had to save himself.

At a full run, he slammed into the closed, locked door to the experimental subjects’ housing area. The impact dropped him to his knees. Blind panic.

His hands were slimy now with mixed sweat and blood and were shaking wildly. At last he managed to fit the key into the lock.

The dormitory area was a large, concrete space with steel bars forming cells,  a single corridor running down the center. The  smell of sickness and death greeted Ubel once he managed to get the door open. He didn’t notice.  He never noticed. He raced down the hall, looking into the cells of his lab subjects. He would enter a cell and pretend to be an inmate. That plan had come to him in his kitchen, right after his failed attempt to slash his wrists. Ubel was hopeful. The prisoners feared him. He had taught them very well. Maybe they would remain too traumatized reveal his identity. Maybe they’d die before they got a chance.

Ubel took a shuddering breath and tried to calm himself. He smelled urine and saw that his pants were wet. His mind drew no connection. He scanned the cells. Dead eyes, set in waxen, yellow faces, stared back at him. All the subjects were at the approximately the same level of starvation. Why all at the same level? Dr. Ubel wondered absently.

Ubel chose a cell in the corner that had only one occupant. “Weg zuruck!”  He screamed at the man as he searched for the key to the cell. The man moved back, but did not turn away. The slippery keys kept falling out of Ubel’s one good hand. Nerves. Ubel finally met the inmate’s gaze. What was here? Fear, of course, but was there something else?

He looked at the other prisoners again. All at the same level of starvation.  They shared their food. The starving ones gave shared their food with the dying ones. The epiphany meant nothing to Ubel. He was the one dying now. That was all that mattered. My patients look terrible, he thought. He’d never called them patients before. He’d have to remember to call them patients when he was interrogated. Ubel heard a strange chattering sound. He clamped his teeth together and it stopped. He could be as charming as Mickey Mouse in the interrogations and he’d still hang. This plan had to work.

Ubel finally found the key he needed and approached the cell door. The inmate was still staring at him, with fear, confusion, and-as it- pity?

Pity was not an expression Ubel often saw, but he recognized confusion. But why confusion? Surely the man was smart enough to realize what Ubel was planning, hopefully smart enough to keep his mouth shut, and –oh, Mein Gott! Ubel looked down at himself, his little paunch, the body whose flesh did not reveal the outline of every bone. He could never pass as a prisoner.

And he finally stopped shaking. He dropped the keys, careful, even in his anguish to make sure they were tantalizingly out of reach of the prisoners.

Then he walked back toward his laboratory office. He could hear shouting now. Orders in English and English-accented German. Perhaps some shouts were directed at him, but he ignored them. He walked down the hall, to his office, to his desk, sat down in his chair, opened his drawer. He could hear the soldiers in the hall now.

He took out the gun, held it in his hand, looked down at it. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to live. Footsteps closing in. Not much time left for him on this Earth.

The footsteps were upon him. He lifted the gun. And pointed it at the door. He didn’t have it in him to kill himself. He knew that now. But now the soldier coming through the door would do it for him.

The soldier came in quietly, his own firearm at the ready, but he clearly didn’t expect anyone to be in the room. He was young, but competent and experienced. He judged the situation in an instant and brought his rifle to bear.

A shot exploded, the sound bounced against the walls, echoed, and a bullet found its mark.

The soldier fell. Ubel’s gun arm sagged, the gun unfired, as an American Army major walked up behind the dead man, holstering a pistol. He looked at Ubel’s bloody

wrist, the wet trousers, the gun in his hand. Then he nodded and made a little sound with this tongue that seemed to say he’d read the whole story in a glance. He dragged the soldier’s body into the room and closed the door.

“You can put the gun down, Doctor. I unloaded it last night as I was inspecting your laboratory. I probably should have confiscated it. You almost got yourself killed with it.” He looked at the dead soldier and tried to twist his face into an expression of bitter regret before continuing. “Interesting work you’re doing here. You now have a new employer. We have a project for you.”

As a teenager I realized that these secret teachings were not normal, not something all parents taught their children, but I didn’t embarrass my mother by confronting her. There was no point. I could never understand why people so often talk without reason. What’s the purpose of speech other than to communicate information on reinforce social bonds? It’s funny I should say that. I oncementioned that idea to my mother and shesaid that unusual observations about human nature were among the thing people discussed with family (meaning her) but never with others. I was, however, always curious how my otherwise normal mother could have such a isolated, strange and broad neurosis.

All questions were answered 6 years ago when I was in my mid 20′s, married, happy, and ready to start my own family. One day a package arrived in the mail. It contained medical records, lab reports, research reports, project notes and other proofs that I was a 3/4 human 1/4 chimpanzee hybrid. This explained everything: my not having a father or siblings, the intensive language study, my unusual strength. And, of course, my “mother’s” secret teachings. My mother wasn’t even my mother. She was a Surrogate. A 1/2 chimp 1/2 human egg that had been fertilize with a human sperm had been implanted in her. But, instead of one offspring, my mother had twins. Apparently one of her own eggs was fertilized in the normal way. That’s strange. I’ve never heard of such twins before, but I’m an unusual case, obviously. Cats quite often have litters where kittens are from more than one father. When the scientists delivered the babies they realized what had happened and someone made a guess about which child was human, and which wasn’t. They guessed wrong. The human child grew up in the lab and I was allowed to live in the world. It was the human child, now a man, who sent me the info.

Naturally I couldn’t have children after learning what I was. My wife was very unhappy. I couldn’t tell her the reason. I couldn’t tell anyone. I hat to just rely on myself. I just wanted to be alone. And I was alone, the only hybrid among billions of humans. I still get along with my mother. I visit on holidays on at least send a gift, but we are no longer close, and we used to be best friends. My wife and I divorced. We’re still close friends. I did finally find a partner. We’ve been together three years now. I knew him for years before and trusted him. I told him right away what I was before we became intimate and he doesn’t care. I suspect he doesn’t believe. He thinks my strength is due to some rare enzyme deficiency.